Jessica's gaze falls to Yan Sun's collar, avoiding the gaze seeking hers out as she offers a quiet, muttered, "I know..." And that's scarier than being alone. At least if she's alone, there's nobody else to lose. Nobody else to get hurt. Just her and her ghosts. "This-..." she begins, a soft sniffle escaping her as she tilts her head to wipe at her cheek and the few stray tears that have managed to escape despite her silent protests,
#Traveler'sGorge – October 11, 2021
"...This is why-... you need to understand." she repeats, a bit of a drunken lull to the tilt of her head when she finally brings her gaze back to Yan Sun's face. "It does not matter how much that I am caring for-... about you." she shrugs matter-of-factly, leaning a bit heavier against the hand keeping her propped against the wall and, in the process, the woman she has pinned against it. "I love my family. And now? Now
they are dead. Because of me. You see?" Her unfocused gaze travels along Yan Sun's face, brown eye glassy from a combination of unspent tears and a night of heavy drinking and her hand returns to Yan Sun's face, scarred fingertips outlining her features idly. "I let down everyone that I love. Is only-... only some time before I am letting you down, too, kitty cat." There's a sadness behind her words, but it's restrained.
That's not what it's about. It's not her feeling sorry for herself. It's a warning, honest and heartfelt, scared of what her feelings for the woman she's spent the past few months might mean. Fear over what sort of hell she will inevitably bring down on Yan Sun.
Yan Sun listens silently, frown deepening a little as she picks up on where Jessica is going. The final words are met with an uncomfortable noise and an faint, but adamant shake of her head. "No. I don't-... I don't believe that."
Jessica lets out something of a defiant snort. "Is-... Is true. It does not matter what you are believing. But-..." she trails off, gaze briefly lowering again as her drunken resolve seems to shake and she swallows at the boulder in her throat, forcing herself to look back to Yan Sun's face. "...You hear what they say." she continues, whispered voice somehow quieter, though who 'they' are is unclear until she continues. "They will be
okay if-... if I am staying here." Her thumb finds its way to Yan Sun's hairline, gently brushing across fresh stubble, only a few hours old. The faint frown that shines through her features as she studies Yan Sun's face betrays her words. Even in her drunken state, it's clearly not what she wants, no matter how much she may believe that it's for the best.
Yan Sun looks taken aback by the implied suggestion, eyes widening a little as her head pulls back as much as it can, cornered as she is. Her left hand shifts to grab Jessica's right and squeeze it, looking like she's not sure what to say for a moment. The first sound that comes is a scoff. "Jessica..." She blinks and a few tears slip out, reflecting the light in her left eye. "...i-is that what you want...? Because... it's not what I want.
I don't-... I don't want to go without you, Jessica. You know that, right? I..." She trails off into silence, but it's pretty obvious from the look on her face what the next two words were going to be.
Jessica's frown only deepens as Yan Sun speaks, though her fingers absently curl around her hand in return, a scoff of her own quickly following behind Yan Sun's words. "You are stupid? Mmm?! Of course I do not want this..." she offers through her frown. There's no anger, though. She just sounds... deflated. Maybe a part of her was hoping that Yan Sun wouldn't fight it. That she would just accept it. Make the hard choice so Jessica
doesn't have to. Because she can't. She doesn't wear selflessness well. "I-..." she starts and stops, a frustrated sound slipping out as her hand struggles to reorient until she can interlock her fingers with Yan Sun's. "...I want to go to with you. Not because I give a fuuuck about Earth." she slurs. "This is my home!" she admits, a fact that she so often tries to write off. A planet that has taken so much from her and
the only home she has ever known. "I want to go because-... because I want to be with you!" she continues, her words accompanied by a squeeze of Yan Sun's hand. She tries to blink away the lingering wetness in her eyes, but it only allows more tears to fall free, streaming down her cheek which, in turn, only further deepens her frown. "Because-... because I never feel about anyone the way that I feel about you!" Another
admission, this one sounding more like an accusation than an admission, but it seems to help her build up some steam. "And you do not think I even care about you! You fucking-... fucking shit!" she scowls, almost as if a response to the tears, as if they're Yan Sun's fault. But there's no real bite in her attempted insult. Just frustration, and hurt, and sadness, all fighting for the top spot in her thoughts.
Yan Sun 's expression is full of soft surprise after Jessica's admission, touched despite her tone, but the words that follow quickly draw her attention. "Wh-..." There's a mix of confusion and tenderness on her face. There's a quiet, helpless half-laugh, and she presses her lips against the rough skin of Jessica's hand, then her tear-stained cheek, and finally her neck, all in rapid succession, the last accompanied by her arms wrapping
around her back in a tight hug. "Jessica, I don't think that! I know you care. I do. And-... and it means a lot that you want to come with me. I know it's a big deal..."
Jessica is quick to return the gesture despite the frustrated scowl etched into her features, both arms slipping deep and tight around Yan Sun's waist, lips pressing against the side of her head in a series of lazy kisses. She draws in another shaky breath, at odds with the emotions bubbling up just under the surface. "I am a shit girlfriend, kitty cat." she utters into Yan Sun's hair in another quiet admission, as if that should be
carefully considered before deciding whether or not she really wants Jessica to accompany her to Earth. There's an implication of a track record there. But that probably comes as no surprise to Yan Sun considering she just spent half the night sitting no more than a few feet away from one such example. "And-... and I am drinking too much." she continues to mutter, pressing another kiss against her partner. "And fighting. And
fucking. Lots of fucking. Maybe-... maybe is too much fucking." she slurs drunkenly with another kiss. Probably all things that Yan Sun has long since figured out but, despite how ridiculous the admissions may be, it seems important to her to say it out loud. To make sure that Yan Sun knows exactly what she's getting herself into by taking her to Earth. Fears and insecurities that are usually buried behind a somewhat callous
exterior, undoubtedly surfaced by an acute awareness that she'll soon be a long way from the place she's spent her entire life. A strange, difficult person in a place she knows nothing about with nothing but a woman she only met mere months ago as her only anchor. Thoughts and feelings that have been dwelling in the back of her mind for some time despite her refusal to admit it even to herself, exacerbated by a whole lot of
Yan Sun rocks the both of them just a little from side to side when Jessica returns the hug. Her words catch her off-guard, and draw out a sigh. "Jessica-... Jessica-" she tries to interject as the drunken muttering goes on. "I know you. Okay? I-... I might not have known you for very long... but I know you. This-..." A soft kiss against the side of Jessica's head, and a tightening of the hug before she lets go, hands going to Jessica's
shoulders as she creates some distance and tries to make eye contact, grip unusually firm. "Jessica. If you were a 'shit girlfriend', I wouldn't be here. Not gonna dispute that you have been..." she says, the last sentence a bit sharper - between Rafe, and Jessica's own words about her past relationships, she's hardly ignorant of that. "...but you've been trying. To do better. I know that. I've seen that. You haven't let me down,
you've impressed me!" Emotion and alcohol combine to give her momentum, voice louder and faster, tears still flowing. "You've-... you've been making an effort even though I know it is hard for you. I think you're awesome, and really special, and I-... well... you-... you know how I feel." she says, losing a bit of steam as embarrassment takes hold. She sucks in an uneven breath, one hand withdrawing to wipe sloppily at her own
Jessica takes a moment to realize that Yan Sun is attempting to pull away at first, but eventually her grip loosens, hands resting loosely on Yan Sun's hips. The trail of wetness gives away that more than a few additional tears managed to escape during their hug. Despite the unfocused glassiness to her good eye, she meets Yan Sun's gaze as she listens. The pointed agreement draws a faint frown out of her, brows furrowing in the way they
tend to when she's about to protest or return fire, seemingly having already forgotten in her drunken stupor that she was the one to bring it up in the first place. But the expression quickly fades away into something softer as Yan Sun continues. The final words- and, more importantly, the implication they carry- cause her gaze to flutter away briefly. The heavy drinking hasn't been nearly enough to make her forget the night in
the tent, and those three words still linger in her mind. But she wills herself to meet Yan Sun's eyes once more. For a moment, she merely studies her in silence, brown eye scanning across her features as her pale white eye follows ineffectually. "...Okay." she eventually sniffles, the word sounding quieter than intended, carried on the back of exhausting emotions. She leans forward, pressing their foreheads together as she
nuzzles her nose affectionately alongside Yan Sun's. "You and me, kitty cat. Mmm?" she hums softly as her thumbs draw idle circles against her partner's shirt.
Yan Sun 's grip loosens once she's confident Jessica listened, hands shifting to rest against her neck. Her words bring out a smile, reciprocating the nuzzling with a quiet snicker. "You and me." she agrees fondly, a sniffle of her own soon following. She plants a soft, salty kiss on Jessica's lips before pulling her into another firm hug, pinning her upper arms to her sides in the process and burying her face against Jessica's neck.
Jessica tilts her head slightly to catch the kiss, eyes drifting closed. As she's wrapped back up in another hug, her hands slip a bit further around Yan Sun, resting at the small of her back. She doesn't seem in any rush to move, swaying gently in place and nuzzling her cheek against the woman in her arms.
Yan Sun is in no greater rush than Jessica, holding her close as they sway slightly back and forth in the chilly tent. Eventually, however, another sniffle breaks the silence and her head lifts, although the hug remains. There's a flustered noise and then she mutters: "...I need to blow my nose."
Jessica remains in place, even as Yan Sun lifts her head. Outside of a little snort, it takes her a few moments to even respond, eyes remaining closed. "There is-... mmm-... shit in the-... the thing..." she offers ever so helpfully with a slight, nearly imperceptible nod of her head back behind her in a low effort attempt at indicating the trunk at the base of one of the beds where they stored their belongings, though her arms remain
Yan Sun pulls back, lingering in Jessica's arms as her gaze lands on her face again, expression all soft warmth. She swallows a smile. "Shit in the thing. Got it." she replies with a wink, allowing the smile to manifest. She seems reluctant to leave Jessica's arms, and her hand trail's down her arm as she slips away, giving her hand a squeeze before finally heading over to the trunk to dig around for a roll of toilet paper.
Jessica gives a small, unamused raise of her brow as Yan Sun mocks her terminology, through the smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth gives her away. "Mmm." she confirms, sounding nearly as drained as she feels. But, despite the exhaustion- both emotionally and physically- she has enough in the tank to give Yan Sun a swat on the ass as she steps away, causing her smirk to widen. She presses one hand against the length of prefab wall
that the door is set into in order to keep herself balances as she sluggishly leans over to scoop beer back up off the floor, gripping it by the neck as she begins to meander towards the bed, boots thumping against the tent's hollow flooring.
Yan Sun speeds away with a surprised noise when the hand makes contact, the reassuringly familiar nature of the gesture bringing out a grin as she glances back towards Jessica. It doesn't take much searching to find what she's looking for in the trunk, and after blowing her nose and dabbing her face dry she offers the roll to Jessica now that she's made her way over. Her grin has softened into a small smile, and her eyes are fixed on her,
Jessica sets her beer on the nightstand before looking Yan Sun's way. She pokes at the inside of her cheek with her tongue as she reaches out to accept the roll of toilet paper, eyes lingering on Yan Sun. There's the briefest hint of self consciousness as the exchange of looks drags on that she's quick to try and sweep under the rug with a familiar uttering. "What you are looking at?" she asks as she peels her gaze from Yan Sun and
Yan Sun crosses her arms at the question, refusing to look away. "My girlfriend." she replies with a tilt of her head, sounding pretty pleased with the fact that Jessica seems to have accepted the label. And maybe a little smug.
Jessica scoffs, giving a roll of her eye that's undermined to a large degree by the smirk still lingering on her face that implies she might hate the label just a bit less than she'd like Yan Sun to think. Satisfied that the excessive amount of paper in her hand is enough, she tosses the roll back to Yan Sun before blowing her nose. Well, less to her and more at her.
Yan Sun lets out a surprised "Eep!", failing to get her hands up before the roll hits her in the face, and her hands grab only paper as the roll escapes across the floor, unspooling. "My asshole girlfriend." she corrects with an unamused look, but there's nothing but fondness in her voice as she goes to collect the roll and put what's left of it back in the trunk.
Jessica seems to prefer that title if the smug grin on her face is anything to judge by. Discarding the wad of used tissue paper, she plops onto the bed with a tired grunt. Palms planted against the stiff mattress behind her, she lazily attempts to shimmy her jacket off her shoulders without moving too much while she watches Yan Sun chase after the roll of toilet paper, seeming quite pleased with herself. "Boots." she grunts, lifting
one foot off the ground and extending it in Yan Sun's general direction, giving her ankle a little swivel in an attempt at getting her point across with as little talking as possible.
Yan Sun looks Jessica's way upon rising from the trunk, arms crossing once more. "You're not too drunk to take off your own boots." she protests, doing her best to look resolute in her determination not to help. It's... half-hearted at best.
Jessica looks a bit ridiculous as she does her best to twist out of her jacket without disrupting her position half-laying on the bed as best as she can. It looks like it's probably taking about twice as much effort as if she'd just get up but, in the end, she does manage to slip it off. Yan Sun's protests cause her to shoot an unamused look her way. Rather than respond verbally, she merely doubles down, lifting her foot slightly
Yan Sun doesn't last long before she takes pity on the writhing figure on the bed, rolling her eyes with a sigh and lifting Jessica's legs as she takes a seat on the edge of the bed, lowering her legs into her lap before starting to peel her boots off. "There. Happy?" she says with a look towards her face once her feet are freed from their cruel prison.
Jessica scoots in place as Yan Sun joins her on the bed in an attempt at getting more comfortable while her boots are removed. She gains a pleased look on her face. Probably more so from having convinced Yan Sun to do her bidding than the actual act itself. "Mmm." she hums as she drops her jacket onto the floor beside the bed. "You see?" she continues, giving Yan Sun a poke in the stomach with her foot, "You are not for-... being-..."
she stammers, alcohol and her English not mixing well, "...you are not all useless!" she manages through a grin after a little work.
Yan Sun squirms a little as she's poked, the words that follow making her let out a snort. "Thanks." she mutters, but a smile follows. "Now get your feet out of here so I can take off my own boots." she says, scooping up Jessica's legs and ducking as she tosses them over her head to land behind her in the bed.